Seven Days
by Arrmaitee
Summary: COMPLETE! (SLASH, PARODY) Virginal Draco Malfoy watches a mysterious raunchy homemade video, and then receives an owl indicating that he will be “deflowered in seven days,” unless he can first uncover the video’s sordid secrets.
1.

**Seven Days**

**by**

**_Arrmaitee_**

**SUMMARY: **

SLASH! PARODY! Virginal Draco Malfoy watches a mysterious raunchy homemade video, and then receives an owl indicating that he will be "deflowered in seven days," unless he can first uncover the video's sordid secrets.

**DISCLAIMERS:**

This parody is RATED R and includes HARRY/DRACO SLASH!

This parody contains spoilers from all five _Harry Potter_ books, including _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix._

This parody is not authorized by and is in no way associated with Koji Suzuki or his novel _Ringu_, the Japanese cinematic adaptations of the book, entitled _Ringu, Ringu 2_, and _Ringu 0:Basudei_, or the American adaptation of the book, entitled _The Ring._

This parody is based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K. Rowling, and various publishers, including but not limited to: Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made by this story and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

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**Chapter 1 **

September 14, 1996. Sunday.

Pansy Parkinson and Millicent Bulstrode were hanging out on Millicent's bed in their dorm in the Slytherin Dungeon, gossiping about Neville's virginity, the size of Crabbe's bulge, whether Ginny wore falsies, and other relevant Hogwarts related matters. This was their sixth year, and remarkably they were both still virgins.

"Pansy, I heard you and… Draco… well, you know…" Millicent cooed, giggling madly.

Pansy blushed. "Well I wanted to… but… I think Drakey-poo just needs a little more… coaxing." Pansy lifted her skirt up to her thigh, showing off her _La Perla_ hot pink silk garters. The girls giggled madly again.

"Speaking of virginity," Pansy continued, "have you heard of that freaky video where you watch it and then you receive an owl that reads, 'YOU WILL BE DEFLOWERED IN SEVEN DAYS?' Damn it, I would love to watch that video! My parched cooch is killing me!" Pansy shrieked hysterically.

Millicent, however, stopped laughing. "Whom did you hear that story from?" Millicent asked gravely.

"It's a rumor... just some silly ghost story... I don't know... Why are you so concerned?"

"Oh, it's nothing," Millicent replied, looking nervously at her watch. "It's just that, well, I was making out with Blaise in the Shrieking Shack last week and…"

"You were making out with Blaise Zabini?" Pansy shrieked. "You dirty whore. Tell me more!!!!"

"Well, we were snogging and then suddenly we realized that there were some interesting muggle electronics secretly hidden in the shack. A TV, VCR, DVD player, a Super Nintendo..."

"A what?" Pansy asked.

"Never mind," Millicent replied, trying to get to the point. "Anyway, we found this strange black videotape next to the VCR and decided to watch it. Blaise thought it was some kind of kinky BDSM muggle porn flick, but… it was something else. It was strange… I saw this image of a magnificent arch… and then these weird erotic pictures… I can't really explain it… but when the video ended, we both suddenly received anonymous owls that read, 'YOU WILL BE DEFLOWERED IN SEVEN DAYS!' That was one week ago… today."

Pansy looked at Millicent crossly. "Okay, what did you really do with Blaise in the Shrieking Shack? You don't actually expect me to believe that you both sat down to watch _that_ video? I mean… if you did, can I borrow it? I heard the mystery man is really well hung."

Suddenly, Millicent giggled nervously. "I was just kidding… You're so gullible, Pansy."

Pansy snickered. "You were pulling my leg? You little bitch! But… were you really making out with Blaise?"

Millicent nodded suggestively.

"So how far did you two get?" Pansy cooed.

"Oh, I don't know…" Millicent giggled.

"I can't believe you… you had me freaked for a minute and…" Pansy was about to hit Millicent with a pillow when a mysterious owl arrived. Pansy and Millicent froze. Millicent looked terrified.

"You weren't joking about the video, were you?" Pansy asked, suddenly very serious. Millicent shook her head. Pansy took the letter from the owl… opened it discreetly… and gave it to Millicent.

"It's for you," she whispered.

Millicent glanced at the letter nervously.

_Millicent,_

_Have you done your homework yet? Don't tell me you're still gossiping with Pansy Parkinson and skipping your schoolwork. If I receive one more note from Professor Snape that you have been skipping your NEWT-level potions assignments, I will come down to Hogwarts myself and meet with the Headmaster… I am warning you…_

_Hugs and kisses,  
Mum_

Millicent gasped a giant sigh of relief. It was just her Mum making petty threats. The video must have been a hoax. Just a hoax. That's all…

Millicent turned around and realized that Pansy was no longer in the room. She must be in the shower, Millicent rationalized. No big deal. Suddenly, the TV screen in front of her turned on.

"It's not funny, Pansy," Millicent shouted, turning off the television.

The TV turned on again. This time Millicent unplugged it. "Stop it, Pansy, I said it isn't funny!"

The TV turned on yet again, and the arch appeared on the screen. Millicent leapt backward onto her bed, screaming. She closed her eyes tightly and waited. Nothing happened. Finally, she opened her left eye and saw a tall, hot naked bloke with long flowing hair standing over her. His dong was 14 inches long and rock hard. He winked at her.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

**End of Chapter 1**

**Author's Note: **This HP fanfic is a parody of the movie _The Ring_. If you haven't watched the film, I highly recommend that you see it.

**Please Review!******


	2. 

**Seven Days - Chapter 2**

September 15, 1996. Monday.

Albus Dumbledore arrived at the infirmary at 7:00 AM, after receiving an emergency call from Madam Pomfrey about an attack on students in the Slytherin Dungeon. When he entered the infirmary, he immediately noticed Severus Snape examining the comatose body of Millicent Bulstrode. Millicent was staring blankly at the ceiling, foaming at the mouth; the lower half of her body was covered with gauze.

"Severus, what happened?" Albus gasped.

"How should I know, Headmaster," Snape responded. "I'm merely the ignoble Potions Professor. Were I the savvy Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts, then _maybe_ I would be able to _enlighten_ you as to any dark magic involved in this terrible attack…"

"Poppy," Albus said, ignoring Snape, "have you determined the cause of this… incident?"

"Well… it's difficult to explain, Headmaster," Poppy replied, trying hard not to blush. "Millicent went into shock after… er... having nineteen simultaneous orgasms. You see, under all of that foam around her mouth… she's actually smiling."

"Nineteen orgasms?" Snape remarked skeptically. "I don't see how that's physically possible."

"Well, with your shriveled equipment, how would you?" interjected a chuckling voice. Remus Lupin entered the room, wearing shabby clothing and looking like he hadn't slept for two days. Snape glared daggers at him.

"Now, now, Remus," Albus chided. "We need your expertise, not your wit."

"You call that wit?!" Snape snapped, fuming.

There was a long silence as Remus examined Millicent's comatose body. Her vacant stare and clownish smile was very disturbing, to say the least.

"This isn't dark magic," Remus stated. "But there is definitely some magic involved. Poppy, what was the estimated time of… Millicent's incident?"

"10:00 PM," Poppy replied.

"And what about the incident with the Zabini boy?"

Albus turned to see Blaise Zabini lying on a nearby hospital bed, bearing a vacant stare, clownish smile, foaming at the mouth. His arse was covered with thick gauze.

"10:00 PM," Poppy replied.

"So you are suggesting," Snape sputtered, "that whatever vagrant did this managed to shag both of them senseless at the exact same time? What does he have – two schlongs? That theory is preposterous! The villain would have had to use a time turner or…"

"It is possible, Severus," Albus interrupted. "The question is why these two particular students were attacked. Were there any more… casualties?"

Poppy nodded. "Pansy Parkinson… she found Millicent and went insane… with jealousy. We had to lock her up in the Astronomy Tower because anytime she sees a television, VCR or video tape, she breaks out a 14 inch dildo and starts masturbating vigorously while screaming, 'CLIMB OUT OF THE TV AND FUCK ME!!! PLEASE!!!'"

"Well, do you think that her statements have any significance?" Albus asked.

"No, she's just nuts," Snape replied. "I've already contacted her father… but hopefully I will have a chance to watch her in action before he arrives to take her to St. Mungos…"

"SEVERUS!" Albus exclaimed, shocked.

Snape merely smirked deviously.

----------------------

Draco Malfoy woke up with a splitting headache. While he loved being a Slytherin, the Dungeon didn't have the thickest walls, and it was often possible to hear other people… shagging. Generally, Draco would wear ear plugs to bed so that he didn't expose his virginal ears to such a cacophonous ruckus. But last night it was Orgasm Central in the Dungeon. Between Pansy, Millicent and Blaise's shrieking, how the fuck was anybody supposed to get a decent night's sleep, even with earplugs?

Draco dragged himself out of bed and looked in the mirror. He was still bloody hot, and fortunately his perfect complexion would never show bags under his eyes. But boy, was he going to give his classmates a piece of his mind. Draco staggered into the Slytherin Common Room. It was quiet. Uncomfortably quiet. Unnaturally quiet. He walked up to a group of anonymous third year Slytherins (J.K. Rowling never bothered to give them names) who were whispering secretively.

"Umm… why the fuck is everyone so bloody quiet?" Draco growled, still groggy.

"Haven't you heard about the attacks?" one anonymous third year replied.

"ATTACKS?!!!!!" Draco cried, instantly becoming alert. The anonymous Slytherin proceeded to tell Draco rumors about what had happened to Millicent, Blaise, and Pansy last night. Draco was furious.

"This is outrageous!" Draco shouted. "Potter must be behind it. I just know that bloody Gryffindor is trying to take us out… one by one!" Draco grabbed his wand and started waving it madly. A few third years leapt backwards in fear.

"Uh… I don't think it was Potter," replied a voice from behind him. Draco turned, disgusted.

"Crabbe, Goyle… it's about time you two got here. Crabbe, I didn't realize that you were suddenly a forensic evidence expert. Would you care to enlighten me on your oh so riveting theory."

"Uhh… it was a video," Crabbe sputtered. Goyle nodded dutifully.

"A video?" Draco sneered. "You are wasting my fucking time to tell me that it was a video… that a video simultaneously fucked both Millicent and Zabini? And what about Pansy? A video drove her insane? That's absolutely preposterous. I know that Potter was involved. I can feel it! That unpalatable poof probably pounced on poor Zabini, and left innocent defenseless Bulstrode to get gangbanged by those bloody Weasleys. And I'm sure they all used Engorgement Charms and forced Pansy to watch! That's enough to drive anyone mad!"

Crabbe and Goyle both nervously shook their heads.

"No?" Draco scoffed. "Oh. I'm sorry, I forgot… you still believe it was a video. Why not a blender? Merlin's beard, that's it - they got fucked by a bloody blender!"

"They watched the video," the anonymous third year piped up.

Draco looked at him crossly. Another third year spoke. "Yeah, they both saw some weird video… and after that they got owls that said they would be deflowered in seven days. Blaise told me all about it. Apparently, they accidentally watched it last week while snogging in the Shrieking Shack."

"And, let me guess," Draco scoffed, "it took seven days until the video could get an erection? Do you actually expect ME to believe this crap?"

Draco couldn't handle it anymore. THESE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING IDIOTS! He stormed out of the Common Room.

----------------------

That evening, Draco crept out of Hogwarts and headed to the Shrieking Shack. The whole day, his mind kept reverting back to the video. What if there were a video? Then he needed to know about it, because the bloody Gryffindors would have planted it there… in the Shrieking Shack… knowing full well that the Shack was the Slytherin love nest. But before he spoke to Snape, he had to gather evidence.

Draco arrived at the deserted Shrieking Shack. There were no VCRs or videotapes anywhere. This was a hoax! Fucking Crabbe was pulling his leg! Enraged, Draco picked up a broken bottle and chucked it at an old dusty bookshelf. One of the books moved, and the shelf turned around – revealing a muggle entertainment center.

Now Draco would never admit this in public, but he knew a lot about muggle electronics. After all, he had an extensive all leather, all gay XXX video collection hidden under the floorboards beneath his dorm room bed. He looked around the system suspiciously. There was an unmarked black videotape sitting on top of the VCR. Slowly, Draco popped the tape into the VCR.

At first it looked like nothing happened… but then Draco realized that he was watching recorded static. Before he could fast-forward, he saw an image of a mysterious arch…. and then an image of a hot redheaded teenager brushing her hair in an oval mirror… a small bug lands on the teen's shoulder and she swats it away… and then a hot naked bloke with long black hair leaps on top of her and starts pounding her with his fourteen inch salami. Draco shuddered. That dong was enormous! The redhead screams with delight. Suddenly, an awkward-looking teenage guy enters the room and finds the couple together. He is shocked. Before he can verbally respond, he finds himself spread eagle on a table, being taken dry by the bloke with the long schlong.

'How is that possible?' Draco wondered. He's shagging both of them at the same time.

Draco skeptically gazed back at the video. The mysterious stud pounds both teenagers simultaneously, bringing them both to orgasm multiple times. Suddenly, the long-haired bloke winks at Draco from the TV. The screen becomes recorded static. Draco was not amused. Whatever imbecilic muggle made this atrocious home porn video, he was definitely not going to wait for the sequel. He took the video out of the VCR and was about to leave when his owl, Hades, arrived with an anonymous letter. Draco froze… this had to be a joke. And yet… he was suddenly terrified. Trembling, Draco opened the letter.

"SEVEN DAYS!"

**End of Chapter 2**

**Author's Note:** That was a fun Chapter to write. Poor Draco...

**Please Review!**


	3. 

**Seven Days - Chapter 3 **

September 16, 1996. Tuesday.

_Day 1_

Draco was really pissed. All these years, he had been saving his virginity so that his first time with Potter would be special, and now he was going to be fucked by a videoman with a 14 inch dong who… wait a minute? Did he just say he was saving his virginity for Potter?! That's preposterous! Never! Ever! Ever! Although Harry does look like he has a nice package. No he doesn't! He's gross! Disgusting! Eeeew! Yuck! Mmmm… Mmmm? And since when had he started calling him Harry?

Draco slapped his face a few times. He must be hallucinating. The video had made him lose his mind. He had never been saving his virginal flower for Potter… obviously he always wanted his first time to be with… uh… Pansy… yeah Pansy… before she cracked-up, that is…

"Hi Draco," Colin Creevey said, snapping a few photographs of the blonde Malfoy heir as he was walking back to Slytherin Dungeon. The sudden flash of light from the camera made Draco dizzy.

"What the fuck are you doing, Creevey?" Draco mumbled, regaining his balance.

"Nothing. I just needed your photograph for my B.I.L.S. photo album," Colin replied, taking several more shots of Draco.

"B.I.L.S.?" Draco questioned.

"Blokes I'd Like to Shag. Harry, of course, is my first choice, my _ne plus ultra_, my tall dark and handsome beefcake. I mean, he has those incredible piercing green eyes and delicious choclatey hair and that devastating hard body and…"

"Alright already," Draco growled. "Then what the fuck are you taking my picture for?"

"Well, last I heard Harry was straight, so…"

Draco's eyes hardened. He was about to grab his wand and hex Creevey into oblivion when suddenly he had a better idea. He put his arm around the younger boy and whispered, "Colin, would you.. uh… like to go on a date and maybe… watch a video?"

---------------

Draco entered the Slytherin Dungeon. He rewound the video, waiting for that bloody Creevy to arrive for their "first date." Hee hee hee…

Colin walked into the Common Room. "Uh, Draco," Colin uttered uneasily, looking at the newly developed pictures. "You should probably see this."

"It can wait till after the movie," Draco stated. He couldn't wait to get his revenge on this stupid prat.

"Umm, no… I don't think it can," Colin replied nervously. "Actually, I gotta go… right now."

Colin dropped the photographs on the floor and dashed out of the room before Draco could force him to watch the movie.

"Does that mean I am no longer Harry's sloppy second?" Draco cried out facetiously. There was no answer. The room was strangely quiet. Draco walked over and picked up the photographs that were scattered on the Slytherin Common Room floor.

He looked at them and gasped. In each photo, Draco was foaming at the mouth, and there was a giant bandage pasted over his arse.

"Ahhhhhhhhhh!" Draco screamed. This had to be trick photography. This was all Potter's doing. Potter set him up. Potter planted the video. Potter delivered the owl. Potter sent Creevey there to harass him. Potter…

Draco froze… suddenly noticing his reflection in the antique mirror. In his reflected image, his mouth was foaming and there was a large bandage covering his arse.

---------------

Severus walked very slowly up the creaky stairs of the Astronomy Tower, levitating a TV and VCR, and carrying a backpack full of x-rated videos. When he arrived at the top, he peered through the window in the door at Pansy Parkinson. She was ghostly pale, and her face bore a disturbing clownish smirk. This was going to be interesting.

Severus entered the room and placed the TV, VCR and videos in front of Pansy. Her eyes lit up.

"You've come!" Pansy screamed, ripping off her top. "You come back for me!"

"Oh, yes I have," Severus smirked, ready to pounce. He started unbuttoning his trousers.

Pansy leapt on top of the television and started kissing the screen violently.

"Um… I'm over here… um Pansy…" Severus cooed.

"Climb out of the TV and fuck me!" Pansy shrieked, whipping out her fourteen inch dildo. Severus rubbed his hands together with anticipation.

"Oh yes, he's gonna climb right out… right out, baby. Actually, I'm right here now if you need a surrogate," Severus moaned.

"Professor," Draco exclaimed, marching into the Astronomy Tower and grabbing Snape by the arm.

"Not now Malfoy, I'm… busy!" Snape hissed.

"Oh my god, fuck me!" Pansy shrieked, her eyes glistening as she lubricated her toy.

"But Professor, it's urgent… please!" Draco shouted.

"Not this urgent!" Snape maintained, trying to fixate his eyes on Pansy.

"Oh fuck me! Climb out of the TV and fuck me…" Pansy screamed.

"Pansy, will you shut up!" Draco barked. "Professor, please… it's about the video... the freaky video that deflowers you seven days after you watch it. Blaise and Millicent viewed it last week and I... I watched it last night. I've watched the video, sir! I'm next…"

"FUCK ME!" Pansy moaned.

"Oh no, Draco. I'm definitely next. I got here first," Snape replied adamantly.

"FUCK ME NOW!" Pansy shrieked again.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Draco yelled back, yanking Snape away from the orgasmic girl.

"That's fifty points from Gryffindor… I mean Slytherin, Malfoy!" Snape roared, enraged that he was missing the show.

"SEVERUS!" Albus exclaimed, storming into the room. "What in the name of Merlin are you…?"

"It was Malfoy, sir," Snape stammered. "He was… uh… visiting his housemate… and he… er… didn't want her to be lonely so he brought a TV, VCR and some x-rated videotapes and…"

Albus' eyes slanted.

"Two hundred points to Slytherin for being so thoughtful, Malfoy," Snape rasped, grabbing Draco and leading him briskly out of the room.

Once outside, Snape's voice dropped to a low whisper. "About that cherry-popping video... be a good boy and give it to me now."

**END OF CHAPTER 3**

**Please Review!**


	4. 

**Seven Days - Chapter 4**

September 17, 1996. Wednesday.

_Day 2_

Draco Malfoy arrived at Professor Snape's office early Wednesday morning to discuss the mysterious video. Snape had confiscated the original last night, and Draco was very curious whether the Professor could help him discern who the well-endowed mystery man really was.

"Good morning, Professor," Draco stated, glancing around Snape's dingy office.

"Sit down, Draco," Snape replied, pointing to a chair stained with armadillo bile from an explosion last week.

"Umm… I'd rather stand, thanks," Malfoy replied sheepishly.

Snape walked around his desk so that he was standing next to his prodigy and draped his arm casually around Draco's shoulders.

"Very well… you should know that I watched your cherry-popping video last night."

"Really?" Draco replied, interested. "Do you know who the people in the video are?"

Snape smirked. "Of course I know, Draco. Fifty points from Slytherin for doubting my incredibly perceptive abilities."

"Fifty points?!" Draco shrieked.

"Well, the Headmaster instructed me to reduce the two hundred House Point award that I gave you last night for bringing Pansy porn movies, so I've decided to take the points away from you for really frivolous reasons."

"But I didn't bring Pansy porn movies, you did, Professor," Draco argued.

"Another fifty points from Slytherin for being an insufferable tattletale."

Draco groaned. "So who are the people in the video?" he asked, changing the subject.

Professor Snape smirked devilishly. "Well, I can answer that, for a price."

"What?" Draco replied, concerned.

"Nothing comes for free, you know. I think it's very reasonable that since you rudely interrupted my session with Parkinson, the least you could do is compensate me for my superior video viewing skills."

"What… er… is your price?" Draco asked nervously.

"Your virginity," Snape replied.

"WHAT?!"

"What did you think I'd want, your money? Your delicate flower is a much greater prize."

"But… that's extortion!" Draco exclaimed.

"Another fifty points from Slytherin for knowing too many bloody legal terms."

"But… I like my cherry… it's my… precious," Draco whined.

"Well, tell your little precious that you have five days to decide whether you'd rather be pillaged by the videoman… or the potions master."

Draco swallowed hard. "But if I… uh… agree to let you… uh… pop the precious, are you sure you can stop the videoman from… uh… shagging me, too?"

"Well, of course not. You were a virgin when you watched it, so an intervening shag probably won't spare you. But just think, by the time the videoman arrives you'll be all stretched out and then maybe he won't be as interested. And, even if he is still intends on banging you senseless, you could scream his name during intercourse because you'll know who he is and… Hey… Draco. Where are you going? Come back!"

---------------

Draco stormed out of the castle and over to the lawn in front of the greenhouse. There was no way in hell he was forking over his precious to that greasy git, even if it meant offering his opus to the videoman. Heck, at least the videoman was well hung…

Draco needed a plan. He needed assistance deciphering the video, and all of his best Slytherin mates were either hospitalized or too stupid to help. Draco thought for a moment, and finally realized that the only person who might be able to assist him was the last person he'd ever ask… Potter. But maybe there was another way…

Draco's eyes narrowed and his ears perked up when he heard faint giggling. He followed his keen auditory sense to the quidditch pitch, where he found Harry draped on top of Cho Chang. The two lovebirds were obviously having a damn good time making out, which infuriated Draco. He knew he needed to talk to Potter, and he wasn't looking forward to dealing with his bitchy Ravenclaw cling-on. Draco reached down for his wand, but suddenly realized that he had been so disoriented that he had left it in the Dungeon.

Draco locked eyes with Cho from a distance. Cho gave Malfoy the slightest sneer, before impaling Harry in a passionate kiss. That bitch was gonna die. Draco headed over to the Slytherin quidditch locker room and grabbed his Nimbus 2001 and a can of mace. He hopped on his broom and flew directly above the passionate couple. Cho looked up in horror as Draco took out the mace and sprayed it all over her face.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Cho screeched. "My eyes! My eeeeeeeeeeeyes!"

"What the fuck are you doing, Malfoy?" Harry screamed.

Draco hopped off of his Nimbus 2001, lifted the broom up and whacked Harry over the head with it. Potter crashed to the ground unconscious. Draco smirked. He had seen this technique used in muggle cave man movies, and obviously it worked! Draco picked up Harry, threw him over the back of his broom, and began to fly off of the quidditch pitch.

"Stop this at once, Malfoy!" Cho screeched, still rubbing her eyes. "I can't fucking believe you're stealing my boyfriend and you sprayed pepper spray in my beautiful devastating pouty brown eyes, you… motherfucker!"

"Oh, shut it, bitch!" Draco replied.

---------------

Draco carried the unconscious Harry into the Slytherin Dungeon and then tied him to Draco's bed. Harry awoke in a daze… squinted a bit… and then realized what had just happened.

"Let me go, Malfoy! What the fuck do you think you're…"

"I know exactly what I'm doing, Potter," Draco replied. "Were gonna watch a video… together."

Draco grabbed a black videotape that had the words "copy" written over it and popped it into his VCR. Harry and Draco watched the mysterious video from start to finish. When the screen reverted to recorded static, Draco turned to Harry, waiting for an owl to arrive that informed Harry that he would be deflowered in seven days. Draco waited, but no owl came. Harry, however, was now ghost pale.

"Umm, Malfoy," Harry asked, "what's your price?"

"What?" Draco replied, confused.

"Don't bullshit me, Malfoy. What's your fucking price?" Harry scoffed.

"Why would I have a price, Potter," Draco asked sarcastically.

"Because the redhead in your porn video is my Mum."

**End of Chapter 4  
  
Please Review!**


	5. 

**Seven Days - Chapter 5**

September 17, 1996. Wednesday.

_Still Day 2_

"That was your Mum?" Draco gasped in horror.

Harry paled considerably, struggling feebly under the ropes that bound him to Malfoy's bed.

"You didn't know?" Harry asked, astounded.

"Well, I do now," Malfoy smirked.

"Bugger," Harry replied, brooding over his unnecessary admission. "So what _IS_ your price, Malfoy?"

"I don't know," Draco replied. "I'm sure I'll think of something reeeeal good."

"I'm sure you will," Harry snarled, struggling under the ropes. "Aren't you gonna untie me?"

"Certainly," Draco replied. He lifted his wand and uttered a spell, releasing Potter from his constraints. "Now that I can blackmail you, I really don't need the rope anymore."

Harry glared at the blonde. "There's something I don't understand. If you didn't know that my Mum was in the video, then why on earth would you kidnap me to show me that horrid tape?"

"I wanted to see if you were a virgin," Draco replied.

"WHAT?!!" Harry gasped.

"I'm only joking," Draco lied. "I figured you could help me decipher who the mystery man on the videotape is. All my friends are either stupid, nuts or in a coma, so I had to outsource. That's why I abducted you. Though I was also a bit curious whether you buggered that skanky Ravenclaw."

"My girlfriend is not a skank! And whether I've shagged her is none of your business, Malfoy."

"Touchy today, Potter?" Draco asked.

"I AM NOT TOUCHY!" Harry bellowed.

"My point exactly," Draco replied. "Now, as I was saying before I got yelled at, I wanted to see if you received an owl after you watched the videotape."

"What are you talking about?" Harry asked.

Draco explained to Harry about what happened with Blaise, Millicent and Pansy, and about how he received an owl message stating that he would be "deflowered in seven days." After finishing his forlorn tale of woe, he looked over at Harry, who was now seething.

"So you wanted me to get fucked by the videoman, too?! Is that it, you sick fuck?!"

"Misery loves company," Draco replied.

"Oh sod off, Malfoy," Harry shouted, getting up to leave.

"Umm… you're not going anywhere, Potter," Draco said.

"And how're you gonna stop me?" Harry snarled.

"Well, for starters, I can show your Mum in action to the whole bloody school."

"You wouldn't dare," Harry rasped. "Then the entire school would get letters. This is a fanfic based on the quixotic novels of J.K. Rowling. We're supposed to have our first kiss in our fifth year, our first hand job after we're married, and our first bang when we're fifty! You can't show that tape, Draco! Too many sexually deprived, virginal students will be affected!"

"It's a small price to pay for revenge," Draco replied. "Given that I've already received _MY_ owl, I have nothing more to lose."

Harry gave Malfoy a death glare and then sat back down on the bed. "Fine," Harry pouted. "What are you terms?"

"I want you to help me figure out the identity of the mystery bloke who is going to shag me senseless in less than five days. Then maybe we can find out how we can stop him."

"And, if I agree to help you, then you promise you'll destroy that video?" Harry asked.

"Malfoy's honor," Draco lied.

"I don't trust you," Harry stated firmly.

"I wouldn't trust me either," Draco replied. "But then again, you don't have much of a choice."

Harry snickered.

"What's so funny?" Draco asked.

"Nothing," Harry giggled.

"Nothing?" Draco inquired. "You're so full of shit, Potter."

Harry repressed a chuckle, but it wasn't working very well.

"It's just that… I can't believe… you're still a virgin, Malfoy," Harry stammered between laughs.

"Oh, funny… ha ha," Draco mocked. "Excuse me for having standards about the people I shag…"

"It just that… well with your reputation," Harry snickered.

"My reputation?"

"Well, Pansy has been bragging about your Malfoy endowment…"

"What?! I'm gonna kill that bitch!" Draco replied. "We barely even dated!"

Harry was amused. "I see… Let me guess… were you saving yourself for someone else, Malfoy? Someone special?"

"As a matter of fact, I was," Draco replied defiantly.

"Really?" Harry asked.

"Really," Draco replied.

"Well, who's the lucky girl, Malfoy?"

"I never said it was a girl," Draco replied, not blinking.

Harry's eyes widened. "Excuse me for that [cough] oversight. Who's the lucky bloke, Malfoy?"

"You don't want me to answer that question, Potter," Draco stated.

"Oh, I certainly do," Harry replied. "You can tell me. Maybe I can even help get you guys together… after you destroy the tape, that is…"

"You really don't want me to answer that question, Potter," Draco stated again.

"Oh, I really do. Who are you saving your virginity for, Malfoy? What's the lucky boy's name?"

"Harry," Draco replied. "Harry Potter."

Harry paled considerably. Before he could reply, Cho burst into the room followed by Albus Dumbledore, Professor Snape and Professor Lupin.

"THERE HE IS!!!!" Cho shrieked, pointing at Malfoy and then rubbing her teary eyes. "TAKE HIM AWAY!!!!"

"Come with me now, Mr. Malfoy," Albus said sternly. "Harry, you're free to go."

"Wait," Harry said. "There's been a terrible mistake."

Albus raised his eyebrow. Snape furrowed his eyebrow. Draco was just stunned.

"You see… um… Malfoy and I were… um… a bit concerned about these death threats that I… um… had been receiving from Voldemort and… uh… we decided to plan a kidnapping on school grounds to see if I could actually be… er… abducted and…"

"Harry, what are you talking about?" Cho snarled. "Are you suggesting that you planned this with… that ferret?!"

"I needed to see if Hogwarts security would adequately protect me from an attack. Obviously, given that Malfoy was able to… er… seize me and hold me hostage for over a half hour in the Dungeon without triggering an alarm, I definitely… um… need better protection."

"Then why the fuck didn't you tell me about this before I got maced, Potter?" Cho yelled.

"Because, if I told you about the mock attack beforehand, then that would have… um… completely undermined the secret plan."

"Yeah," Draco added. "Harry and I talked about including you, but he wanted to make it as real an abduction as possible. That's why I didn't use magic. I didn't want to trigger the school alarms."

Albus looked at Draco approvingly. "Well I guess I was mistaken," Albus said. "Good work, both of you. Fifty points to Slytherin and Gryffindor for your ingenuity. I will definitely have to look into better security for our students." Albus turned to face the incensed Ravenclaw Seeker. "And five points to Ravenclaw for your troubles, Miss Chang."

"Headmaster, tell me you don't actually believe this codswallop," Snape scoffed.

"Oh Sevvy, you're just jealous because they didn't kidnap you," Remus quipped.

"I am not going to dignify that, Wolfie," Snape snarled, exiting the room. Albus and Remus followed, leaving Cho, Harry and Draco alone together.

"Harry, I can't believe you! I can't believe you let him do this to me! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT MY FUCKING EYES! YOU LET THAT BLOODY FERRET MACE ME!"

"Will you stop whining," Harry whined.

"HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF WHINING!" Cho screamed. "FUCK YOU POTTER! GO TO HELL!"

Cho stormed out of the room. Harry and Draco looked at each other for a moment, suddenly realizing where they had left off before they were rudely interrupted.

"Thanks," Draco said.

"Don't mention it," Harry replied.

"I didn't… I mean… what I said earlier… I didn't mean…" Draco stammered.

"It's okay," Harry replied, patting Draco on the back. "For what it's worth, I know what its like to save myself, too."

"You mean, you're still a virgin, too?" Draco gasped.

"Yep," Harry replied.

"Then why didn't _you_ receive a letter?" Draco asked.

**End of Chapter 5**

**Please Review!**


	6. 

**Seven Days - Chapter 6**

September 18, 1996. Thursday.

_Day 3_

"Please."

"No."

"Pretty please."

"I said no."

"I'll be your best friend."

"Malfoy, if I agree to fuck you, we'll be much more than friends."

"But Harry, it's the only way I can break the curse."

"Umm… I think I'd be the one _breaking_ the curse, Malfoy, and… um… just no."

A solitary tear trickled down Draco's cheek. He threw himself on his knees in front of Harry. "If you won't do it for me, Harry… then… think of the fangirls." Another tear stained Draco's perfect right cheek. "Harry please, you have to listen to me. This… this choice is much bigger than you or me. We have millions of Harry/Draco fangirls who are skipping their homeroom classes right this very instant… foaming at the mouth… waiting for you to yank me up off the floor, throw me on top of my bed and ravage me senseless. How could you be so selfish as to deprive those virginal rabid fangirls of a gratuitous SQUEEEEEEE?"

"What the fuck are you talking about, Malfoy?"

"Nevermind."

Several moments of uncomfortable silence.

"We have fangirls?"

"Loads," Draco replied, glowing.

"And they expect me to…"

"Yep."

"Well, in that case," Harry replied, "they'd be very happy when I… umm… keep you pants on, Malfoy… as I was saying, they'd be very happy when I drag your unbuggered arse up to the Astronomy Tower to see if Pansy can help us identify the videoman so that we can stop him from deflowering you so that you can… I said keep your pants on, Malfoy… so that you can go get your cherry popped by someone else and so I can destroy the tape and get back together with _my_ girlfriend and give her _my_ virginity and make the HARRY/CHO fangirls happy."

"There are no Harry/Cho fangirls. Het is so passé."

"I'm a trend setter."

"Bugger."

Several more moments of uncomfortable silence.

"Are you sure you won't just stick the head in?" Draco pleaded.

"No."

"Pretty please."

"No."

"You're such a prick, Potter."

"I know."

"I'll be your best friend…"

An hour later, a very sexually frustrated Draco and a very annoyed Harry arrived at the top of the stairs of the Astronomy Tower. Draco peered into the window of the room where Pansy was seated motionless, staring at a wall with a wicked smirk on her face. Pansy was wearing a pink, button down cardigan sweater and white pants, which disturbingly matched the white walls of the room.

"Pansy," Draco said, entering the room with Harry, "How're you… er… doing?"

Pansy didn't reply. Draco and Harry crouched down in front of her on the floor.

"Move," Pansy growled.

"What?" Harry and Draco asked.

"You're blocking _his_ way."

Draco and Harry looked at Pansy strangely, then slid aside. On the white wall behind them was a pencil drawing of a television set with the face of the videoman sketched onto the screen. The videoman's face was covered with hair, so it was unrecognizable.

"Blocking whose way?" Draco asked, pretending to ignore the spooky picture.

"Yoooooooou know," Pansy replied, grinning devilishly.

"Pansy, can you tell us about the videoman?" Harry asked.

"I don't speak to filthy stinking Gryffindors."

Harry shuddered and slid backwards against the wall. Draco gave Harry an apologetic look, then turned back to Pansy.

"Pansy… it's me, Draco. Your Drakey-Poo… your… er… boyfriend, remember?"

"Ex-boyfriend," Pansy replied, still staring at the picture on the wall.

"Umm… yeah… ex-boyfriend… well we… I mean… I… need…"

"I only have one boyfriend, Draco, and he's coming for me."

"Yeah, well, umm… he may be coming for me, too. I mean… but I might be able to change that with your help… I hope."

There was no reply. Pansy's glassy stare was daunting. Draco looked over at Harry, and Harry gave him a 'keep prodding' look.

"Umm, Pansy… sweetheart… while you're waiting for _him_, maybe you could… er… help _me_ out a bit. I mean… don't you want to help a fellow pure blood Slytherin who accidentally watched the video?"

"It wasn't an accident," Pansy stated, suddenly grabbing Draco's hand. Draco shuddered as Pansy opened him palm and ran her right index finger along his lifeline. "You wanted to know the truth, Draco. And now you'll know everything… in four days."

Draco's eyes widened. "How did you know?"

Pansy had a wicked grin on her face. "You have four days left…"

"Pansy please, you have to help me," Draco begged.

"You will know EVERYTHING in four days."

"But… Pansy… I'll do anything… just tell me how to stop him from coming."

Pansy smiled devilishly. "If you want me to help you, Draco, then you'll have to do something… for me. I might be nuts, but I'm still a cold-blooded Slytherin."

Draco shuddered. "Er… what d'you want, Pansy?"

"Kiss for me."

"What?" Draco responded.

"Kiss Harry Potter for me… nice and slow."

"WHAT?" Harry shrieked.

"Consider this a parting gift from me to you, Drakey-poo. I've always known you were a closet case with a thing for Scarface, and I just want to piss Boy Wonder off."

"But…" Harry whined.

"Now kiss," Pansy commanded, "or leave… immediately!"

Draco looked over at Harry and gave him a 'well?' look. Harry replied with an 'oh, hell no' look. Draco batted his eyelashes innocently and gave Harry an 'oh please please please please pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease' look.

Finally, Harry surrendered and approached Draco, glared at Pansy, and then placed his hands around Draco's waist. Draco and Harry moved closer to each other. Draco felt Harry's breath ghosting over his face as their mouths inched closer...

"What the fuck is going on here?" Snape shouted, kicking open the door, levitating a TV, VCR and some x-rated videos. Harry and Draco's eyes widened. Snape saw the two of them intertwined together, and accidentally stopped the levitation spell in horror. The TV crashed down onto the floor and shattered on impact.

"Oh dear God," Snape rasped. "Potter and Malfoy... together? One hundred points from Slytherin and Gryffindor for... I think I'm gonna be sick."

"Oh, leave the boys alone, Sevvy, they're in love," Remus added, sauntering into the room.

"WE ARE NOT IN LOVE!" Harry shrieked, stumbling backwards, turning ghost pale and fainting.

Snape glared at Remus. "You deal with them, Wolfie," he rasped.

"Don't act so bitter, Sevvy. You know you want to be sandwiched in between them."

Snape turned green. "I _am_ gonna be sick," he stated, making mad dash down the stairs for the men's room.

"Buh bye, boys," Remus stated, levitating the remains of Severus' TV, VCR and videos out of the room and closing the door.

Several moments of uncomfortable silence passed.

"Umm… could you lock the door?" Harry asked, beginning to recover from passing out.

Draco uttered a locking charm, then turned to Pansy. "Pansy," Draco pleaded. "Please help me. You have to tell me how…"

Harry interrupted Draco's whining by kissing him passionately. Draco's face flushed and, after about thirty seconds, he broke off the kiss to gasp for breath.

Harry turned to face Pansy. "Pansy, we did what you wanted. Now tell us who's the guy in the video."

"I still don't speak to filthy, stinking Gryffindors."

Harry glared at her, then turned to Draco.

"Pansy, who is the bloke in the video?" Draco asked desperately.

"I don't know. I never watched it," Pansy replied.

"You manipulative bitch!" Harry screamed.

Pansy grinned. Draco ignored him.

"But Pansy, then how're we supposed to know who he is?" Draco whined.

"Maybe you should watch the video again," Pansy responded.

"She has a point, Draco," Harry added, still fuming. Draco swatted him.

"Pansy, if Harry shags me before the videoman arrives… will that… er… break the curse?"

Harry shot Draco a death glare. Draco smirked.

"You should ask Blaise," Pansy replied.

"But, Blaise is still comatose… he might not recover until next week!"

"Pity," Pansy said. "Poor Blaise had the same plan after he watched the video. He was sure that if he just gave up his virginity before his seven days passed, then the videoman wouldn't come for him. But unfortunately for Blaise, the videoman still came. Don't you see, Draco. It was Blaise's destiny to be shagged by the videoman. And Blaise could not thwart _that_ destiny by giving up his virginity to Cho."

**End of Chapter 6**

**Please Review!**


	7. 

**Seven Days - Chapter 7**

September 19, 1996. Friday.

_Day 4_

"She cheated on me. I can't believe that she cheated on me," Harry whined, staring blankly into the mirror in his dorm room.

"It's all right, mate. I'm still single," Ron replied.

"Sod off, Malf… Ron? What're you doing here? This is an H/D slash fic."

"Yeah, well as your faithful second, aren't I supposed to be really clingy and make annoying sexual advances cleverly disguised as supportive comments?"

"Oh, sod off, Ron."

--------------

_later_

"She cheated on me. I still can't believe that she cheated on me," Harry whined, staring blankly into the mirror in the library.

"C'mon, Harry," Hermione said. "You have to stop sulking about that Ravenclaw seeker. Don't you want to study for your N.E.W.T.s? They're only a year and a half away."

"But how could _Cho_ cheat on _me_? I'm Harry Potter. I'm The Boy Who Lived. I'm…"

"Really arrogant," Hermione added.

"Oh, sod off, Hermione."

--------------

_even later_

"She cheated on me. I really still can't believe that she cheated on me," Harry whined, staring blankly into the mirror in the Slytherin dungeon.

"Oh no," Malfoy stated gravely, "all of the Harry/Cho fangirls will be crushed."

"There are no Harry/Cho fangirls," Harry replied bitterly.

Draco gasped in feigned horror.

"Oh, sod off, Malfoy."

--------------

_yes, later still_

"She cheated on me. I really, really, really can't believe that…"

"WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU NARCISSISTIC PRAT!" Draco bellowed.

Harry looked at him strangely. "As if you should talk."

Draco smirked. "Yeah, well I'm about to. There's something I think you should know."

"What?" Harry asked, still sulking.

"Cho probably didn't cheat on you."

"WHAT?" Harry replied, suddenly alert. "But Pansy…"

"There's an informal agreement among Slytherins that we help one another get laid. Even though Pansy had gone bonkers, I have a sneaking suspicion that she might have been trying to help me by defaming my competition. After all, she orchestrated our first kiss."

"Then why the fuck didn't you tell me this yesterday?" Harry barked.

"Because you're cute when you get all sulky."

Harry glared at Malfoy. "Are you _sure_ Cho didn't cheat on me?"

"Well you _could_ ask her… but then that would require a certain nonjudgmental respect for the opposite sex that you seem incapable of, Potter."

"Did _you_ just accuse _me_ of being judgmental?" Harry asked. "That's the pot calling the kettle black."

"Umm, no, that's just a really bad cliché. Now can we please watch this video again. I would rather not get deflowered by the long donged videoman."

They watch the video again

"That was really inspirational, Malfoy. D'you think Cho is out playing quidditch or in the Great Hall?"

Draco banged his head against the wall repeatedly.

--------------

Harry found Cho standing outside of the Ravenclaw Quidditch Locker Room.

"Cho," Harry called out from across the field.

Cho looked up, annoyed. "I'm still mad at you," she replied.

"Umm, may I ask you a question?"

"Perhaps," she answered.

"Did you deflower Blaise Zabini a week ago?"

"How could you ask such a thing, Harry? You're an arrogant, judgmental, male chauvinist pig!"

"I'm sorry, Cho. I didn't mean to insinuate that…"

"I would cheat on you?"

"Yeah," Harry replied sheepishly.

"Well, your timing's off. I think I plucked Blaise well over a week ago… maybe ten days."

"YOU WHAT?"

"Harry please, you didn't really expect me to wait until you were good and ready to reciprocate. We dated for over a year, and all we did is hold hands and snog on rare occasions. Besides, you're a terrible kisser, and I always thought you were a closet case. Harry, what're you doing? Put that can of mace down. Don't you _dare_ point that thing at me. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

--------------

_that evening_

"She cheated on me. She really, really, really, actually cheated on me."

"I'm sure you could make things work out if you want," Draco said.

"You think?" Harry asked.

"Possibly," Draco replied.

"You know, you're acting very supportive today, Draco. I'm kinda shocked."

"Well, begging for sex didn't work, so I decided to try another tact. Besides, I can only tolerate so much of your whining."

"Well, it was still sweet… and unexpected," Harry said. He picked up the video, slid it in the VCR and then sat down next to Draco. The screen went blank and suddenly the boys were watching recorded static. Harry stared at the television as an image of a mysterious arch flashed upon the screen. Then he saw his Mum, as a redheaded teenager, brushing her hair in an antique oval mirror.

Suddenly Harry felt something warm press against his right hand. It was Draco's hand and, ever so slowly, Draco intertwined his fingers with Harry's fingers. Neither boy said anything, and they continued to pretend to watch the video when all the while they were both slightly freaked out about what was now happening between them.

The video showed a small bug land on Harry's Mum's shoulder. She swatted it away. Suddenly the videoman leapt on top of Harry's Mum and began to pound her with his fourteen inch salami. At that same moment, Draco leapt on top of Harry and started kissing him madly.

"What the kiss FUCK are you kiss doing?" Harry demanded, pushing Malfoy off of him.

"Roleplaying," Draco replied. "I figured we'd be better able decipher the secrets of the video if we act it out."

Harry stared at him. "Am I a terrible kisser?" he asked plaintively.

Draco leapt on top of him again and started kissing him passionately. After about thirty seconds, Draco paused for a breath of air.

"Umm… no," he said, flinging himself back on top of Harry.

Harry pushed Draco aside. "Now where were we? Oh yes, would you rewind the tape? I want to have a better look at that fly."

"Which one?" Draco asked, glancing at his zipper.

"The one on the fucking video," Harry snapped.

"Don't you still want to roleplay?" Draco asked. Harry glared at him. "I'll take that as a maybe," Draco stated tentatively. Harry glared again. "Okay, fine, spoilsport. That's the thanks I get for complimenting you on your…"

"Draco…" Harry stated in a warning tone.

Draco gave Harry an icy stare, then rewound the video and sat next to Potter, who was clearly focusing more intently on the screen than on Malfoy.

"I don't think that's a fly," Harry said, looking closely at the video.

"Wow Potter, you're really insightful today," Draco replied, still bitter. "Next you're probably going to make some kind of comment about that arch."

"Well, it looks awfully familiar," Harry said. "But I just can't place it. When did I last see an arch?"

Draco looked at him strangely. "So you actually think the flea and the arch are clues. C'mon, Potter. You're so gullible…"

"Did you say that was a flea?" Harry asked.

"Well, it looks like a really fat flea," Draco replied indignantly.

Suddenly, Harry grabbed the remote control and fastfowarded the video to the point where the awkward-looking teenage boy entered the room. Before the videoman pounced on that boy and shagged him senseless, Harry paused the video and squinted closely at the awkward boy's face. There were faint scars gashed across it. It was Remus.

**End of Chapter 7**

**Please Review!**


	8. 

**Seven Days - Chapter 8**

September 20, 1996. Saturday.

_Day 5_

"You mean that the wolfman boned your Mum?"

"WHAT?" Harry screeched.

"But you just said…"

"I DID NOT SAY THAT REMUS BONED MY MUM, MALFOY! IF YOU ACTUALLY _WATCHED_ THE VIDEO INSTEAD OF TRYING TO COP A FEEL YOU WOULD HAVE REALIZED THAT REMUS WAS BONED BY THE VIDEOMAN AND DID NOT EVEN LAY ONE OF HIS BONEY FINGERS ON MY MUM'S DELICATE FLOWER!"

"She didn't look that delicate to me."

"HOW DARE YOU!"

"Will you please calm down, Potter?" Draco chided. "You're making me very nervous, and all that muscle tension could lead to premature aging."

"Sod off, Malfoy."

"Dear God, you're actually not screaming. Does that mean you've accepted that you might have a secret sibling who is half wolf?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

--------------

"Awoooooooooooo. Awoooooooooooo."

"Now what the fuck are you doing, Malfoy?" Harry rasped.

"Nothing."

There were several moments of uncomfortable silence.

"Awoooooooooooo."

"Draco, what are you doing?"

"Um… just a simple wolf mating call."

"I'm not even going to dignify that."

"Awoooo?"

"Oh, shut up."

--------------

"You know, Malfoy, it might pay to visit Professor Lupin and have him identify the videoman."

"But I'm having so much fun tormenting you."

"Okay, take your time. I'm not the one whose gonna be BONED by the videoman in less than two days."

"WHAT? TWO DAYS? THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WASTING SO MUCH TIME, POTTER? THAT'S PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE!"

--------------

Harry and Draco bolted down the hallway to Professor Lupin's office. Panting, Harry knocked on the door.

"Professor Lupin?" Harry called out.

There was no answer.

"He's not in his office," Harry stated.

"No, he's probably wanking off to a video of your Mum."

"Draco…"

"Yeeeeeeees."

"If you make one more inference that Remus shagged my Mum…"

"Yeeeeeeees."

"I'm going to have to punish you."

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees."

"Would you like to be punished?"

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees."

"All right. You've been very bad, Draco. Very bad. Now let's go find Professor Lupin."

"That was it?"

"Yep."

"You're not going to tie me up and spank me?"

"Nope."

"You're not going to use home-made handcuffs?"

"Nope."

"That totally sucked!"

"Yep."

"It's not funny, Potter."

"Yep."

"Stop that."

"Nope."

"Harry…"

--------------

Harry and Draco left Lupin's office and descended into the Dungeon to pay a visit to Professor Snape. Draco knocked on Snape's office door.

"Professor Snape?"

"Come in, Draco."

Draco entered the office. Harry followed.

"Why did you have to bring _him_? I'm still queasy from watching you two suck face in the Astronomy Tower on Thursday. Imagine what your father would think if I told him that I found you and Potter together."

"Professor, you wouldn't..." Draco gasped.

"Well, I _could_ conveniently forget the terrible incident if my star pupil were to spend some _special_ time with me… alone."

Draco and Harry were startled to hear a snicker.

"Oh, Sevvy, you're such a hamburger helper. You know you want to bury you're aged angus beef between Draco's two milky white buns."

"Good afternoon to you, too, Wolfie. I'm sure you know all about burying bones."

There was an uncomfortable silence.

"Professor Lupin. We were looking for you," Harry added, obviously changing the subject.

"Huh? Me? Why? I mean… of course, Harry. Do you two lovebirds want some chocolate?"

--------------

"So you want me to watch a video?" Remus asked, now seated at his desk.

Harry glanced around Professor Lupin's office and met Draco's hungry eyes before replying, "Yes."

"Well why didn't you just say so? Is it a kinky Muggle flick?" Remus asked.

"Um… sort of," Harry replied uncomfortably. "You might find it kinda familiar."

"Really, who does it star?"

"You."

"Harry? How could you?" Remus snapped. "I had a sneaking suspicion that someone was videotaping me at the Gryffindor urinal, but to think it was James Potter's son. Dear Lord!"

"Umm… that's not it, Professor."

"No?"

"Can we just _watch_ the video?" Draco chimed in.

Harry played the video for Remus. After it ended, Remus glanced at the recorded static on the screen, and then shifted his eyes onto Harry. There was a somber silence.

"What's your price, Harry?"

"What?"

"How much for that video? I can't believe you got a bootleg copy of it. Wasn't your Mum a total knock-out?"

"Professor Lupin!" Harry replied, shocked. "The video is _not_ for sale. We actually plan to destroy it. But first we need to know the identity of the mystery bloke with the long dark hair and the fourteen inch cock."

"Harry, don't you recognize your Godfather?"

**End of Chapter 8**

**Please Review!**


	9. 

**Seven Days - Chapter 9**

September 21, 1996. Sunday.

_Day 6_

"Umm… Harry."

"Yeah."

"Who's your Godfather?"

"Sirius Black."

"OH MY GOD! I'M GOING TO BE DEFLOWERED BY A MURDERER! THE SHAME! THE HORROR! YOU HAVE TO SAVE ME!"

"My Godfather was not a murderer!" Harry barked. "Now will you please stop clinging to my crotch!"

"Right. Please allow me to rephrase… OH MY GOD! I'M GOING TO BE DEFLOWERED BY A DERANGED KILLER!"

"Draco, let go of my nutsack. As I was saying, Sirius was framed by Peter Pettigrew, who spent twelve years in hiding disguised as Ron's pet rat. My Godfather never killed anyone. He's just a kind, gentle…"

"Psychotic undead lunatic who plans to climb out of the TV and impale me against my will with his fourteen inch cock!"

"The undead still have needs."

"WHAT?" Draco screeched. "HARRY, WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE TO YOU - A PIECE OF MEAT?"

"Well, you would make an adorable virgin sacrifice." Harry smirked at the fuming blonde.

"YOU BASTARD! I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE MY CHERRY TO THAT ANIMAL! I'LL KILL MYSELF FIRST!"

"Oh, don't be so dramatic, Draco. This isn't a post-apocalyptic dark fic."

"I don't care."

"And you'll devastate all of the Harry/Draco fangirls."

"They're already devastated because you won't fuck me."

"Oh, so now you're… pouting."

"I am not pouting," Draco pouted.

"Yes you are. Now let me get this straight…"

"If you got it straight, you wouldn't be sitting here with me."

"As I was saying, bitch," Harry retorted, "you're pouting and pretending to plan to kill yourself because you're angry that I won't throw you on top of your bed and ravage you before my Godfather takes you dry."

"Exactly."

"I'm touched," Harry smirked.

"You should be."

"And you're an arrogant, self-absorbed prick who deserves to be the sacrificial lamb for my undead Godfather's posthumous sexual urges."

"I'm not going to dignify that," Draco replied.

"I wouldn't either."

Harry and Draco locked eyes. An uncomfortable silence hung between them. Suddenly, Harry reached over and clasped Draco's hand.

"I didn't mean…"

"I know."

Harry squeezed Draco's hand reassuringly. It was freezing. Draco tensed, and reflexively pulled away. Harry looked guiltily at the shivering bloke beside him.

"We'll figure something out, Draco. I promise."

Draco looked over at Harry, and stifled a sob. Harry paled, clearly unsure of what he was supposed to say. Draco reached out and nervously clutched Harry's hand again.

"Harry."

"Yeah?"

"I'm scared."

----------------------

Harry and Draco arrived at Professor Lupin's office an hour later. Draco was calm again and refused to acknowledge that he could possibly have ever even insinuated that he might have had a mild breakdown in Potter's presence. After all, he was a Malfoy.

Harry knocked on Lupin's door.

"Hello?" Harry called out. "Professor Lupin? Are you there? We need you to help us find Sirius so that we can stop him from deflowering Draco tomorrow night."

"Woof."

"Professor Lupin?"

"Woof?"

Harry opened the door. Seated in Lupin's chair was a large werewolf, who was curled up and sipping Earl Grey tea.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Draco, it's all right. He's taken his Wolfsbane potion. Haven't you, Professor?"

"Woof."

"I'll take that as a yes," Harry added. "But… umm… Professor… this doesn't make any sense. It's twelve noon. How could you possibly be a werewolf now?"

"Woof."

The werewolf slid a handwritten note across the table to Harry.

_Harry, _

_Last night, I accidentally overdosed on my Wolfsbane potion. As a result, I will be a werewolf for the next forty eight hours, and therefore cannot offer you lovebirds any assistance whatsoever in your quest. _

_Cheerio! _

_Professor Lupin_

_P.S.: Would you kindly ask your lovemuffin to say hello to Padfoot for me?_

_P.P.S.: Are you sure you won't sell me that video? Your Mum was really sexy._

----------------------

"So now what?" Harry asked, seated on Draco's bed in the Slytherin Dungeon.

"Maybe, we should watch the video again and search for clues about how we can find the homicidal maniac… I mean, your Godfather. Take that magnificent arch, for instance. It has to have some significance…"

"Don't be so logical, Draco. We need to have sex first."

"What?" Draco gasped.

"You didn't actually think that I was going to let my undead Godfather leave me his sloppy seconds, did you?" Harry teased.

Draco stiffened considerably. "Now I _know_ that you're related… sort of… well, not really… I mean… whatever."

There was an uncomfortable silence. Draco slid his hand on top of Harry's.

"Well…"

Uncomfortable silence.

"You offered."

Uncomfortable silence.

"Harry?"

Uncomfortable silence.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Oh, so you don't like it when I grab onto _your_ cobblers."

"You… surprised me," Draco choked. "Don't you believe in foreplay?"

"This is foreplay," Harry snickered.

"No, Harry, foreplay is kissing and hugging and petting and…"

"Will you just bend over?"

"You brute! What if I say no?"

"You wouldn't."

"Well, that's beside the point. Hypothetically, if I were not going to be deflowered by a deranged murderer tomorrow and therefore would not be desperate to have you pry open my sacred treasure tonight, then theoretically I could deny your boorish advances, Potter."

"But you wouldn't."

"Why not?"

"Because you're too easy."

"WHAT?"

"I'm just teasing you, Draco." Harry let go of Draco's family jewels and playfully slid his hands up the blonde's torso until they both rested on his shoulders. He dug his thumbs into Draco's upper back, and then begin moving them around in a clumsy quasi-circular motion. "See, now I'm giving you a pathetic excuse for a back massage."

"Well, it's about time," Draco replied, melting into the rhythm of Harry's strong fingers. The massage stopped abruptly. Draco glanced at Harry, perturbed.

"Now will you please just spread 'em?" Harry asked, ogling Draco like a penniless child staring at a large, tasty, multicolored lollypop displayed behind a translucent candy store window.

"HARRY, I DEMAND SOME BLOODY FOREPLAY BEFORE I GIVE IT UP! I'VE WAITED TOO LONG, GODAMMIT!"

"Draco, I'm a wizard. I don't believe in foreplay. It's against the rules."

"Rules?"

"Of wizard sex."

"What rules?"

"Well, the first one is that wizards just want to blow their wad and go watch professional quidditch, while witches want us to take our time and be all touchy feely and delicate…"

"Are you inferring that I'm a witch?"

"Well you're certainly acting like one. Hey, Draco… stop that. Let go of my jock strap. I WILL NOT LET YOU DEFLOWER ME! Draco, don't you dare. Put that sausage back in your _La Perla_ boxers. Draco… DRACO, I'M WARNING YOU! OH, DEAR GOD!"

(An hour later)

"You're gonna pay for that."

"Oh, really. Don't you want to cuddle now, lovey?" Draco cooed, sarcastically.

"Fuck you."

"I just did."

"Alright… that's it, bitch!"

"Hey, I was just kidding… kidding. I want you to take it slow. Harrrrrry? Are you listening to me? HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARY!"

"That was just my finger."

"Well, you have big hands."

"Would you rather I not use lube?"

"Of course you have to use lube. What the fuck do you think this is, my gay Death Eater initiation?"

"I don't even want to ask... Now will you please stop whining?"

"I am not whining. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Draco…"

"Yes."

"Will you please, for the love of God, relax?"

"I am relaxed."

"Umm… yeah, right."

I am. I promise. See no tension here… Just nice pliable buttocks waiting to be… AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

(thirty minutes later)

"I thought you were supposed to last for hours?"

"Well, I would have lasted longer if you didn't scream bloody murder every time you were impaled by my deluxe burrito. I had to hurry along because I was getting a migraine."

"Fuck you."

"I just did."

There was an uncomfortable silence as Harry surveyed his blonde conquest.

"Draco, are we repeating each other already? I thought that happens only after twenty-five years of marriage?"

"We're starting early."

"Fuck you."

"I just did…"

Draco and Harry stared at each other, still naked. Draco rolled over on his back.

"Owww… you beast!"

"Oh, stop whining."

"I don't see you sitting on your…"

"Draco," Harry said firmly.

"Yes."

"We only have 24 hours left before my Godfather returns. Can we please talk about more relevant issues than the condition of your mangled arse?"

"Well, it wouldn't be mangled if you had been gentle."

"I was gentle."

Awkward silence.

"Okay, I was usually gentle. There was just that one time…"

"I knew it." Draco smirked victoriously, then glanced at the antique clock on the wall.

"Harry, do I really have less than 24 hours left?"

"Yes."

"Then what are you waiting for? Play the bloody video again. I need to feel like I'm doing something productive."

"I could think of something more productive."

Draco swatted him. "Harry, I'm being serious. I want to look at that arch. Maybe it's a clue."

"A clue? What could it possibly signify?"

"Well, umm, if you actually _watched_ the video, then maybe you could figure it out, oh brilliant Boy Who Lived."

"But I want to watch professional quidditch."

"You're such a prick, Harry."

Harry grinned and played the video again. After it was over, he casually slid his arm around Draco's shoulders.

"That was riveting," Harry said.

"Shut up," Draco replied.

"It really was. Now I've figured the whole mystery out and your cherry has been saved. Oh yeah, you no longer have one…"

Draco slapped him.

"I deserved that."

"Yes, you did. Now what do you think is the significance of that arch?"

"Well, it's not exactly an arch, sweetie. It's an archway."

"You are about to die a most painful death."

"Death… that's it! That's where he died."

"Who?"

"Sirius. I… I knew I'd seen that arch before. That's the ancient archway that he fell through at the Department of Mysteries."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"Then why, prey tell, didn't you realize this several days ago?"

"Because it's changed. I mean… there's something missing. The veil… the arch is missing its ragged veil."

**End of Chapter 9**

**Please Review!**


	10. 

**Seven Days - Chapter 10**

September 22, 1996. Monday.

_Day 7_

Draco stirred under the imported down comforter on his handcrafted king-size bed. As his eyelids unwillingly fluttered opened, he was consumed by the radiant light from the translucent windowpane and the soft heaving breaths of the gorgeous brunette cuddled up next to him.

A smirk crossed Draco's face as he basked in the knowledge that his one true fantasy had been fulfilled. Harry had deflowered him. And although Draco was still sore from the act, he was quite pleased with his latest conquest.

Draco rolled back under the covers and snuggled up next to the brunette, running his fingers playfully down his firm biceps, and past his six pack until his fingertips brushed alongside his deluxe burrito. Only something was wrong. It was big. Really big. Draco opened his eyes and saw a nude Sirius Black draped on top of him. Sirius' liquid eyes gleamed as Draco felt the 14 inch salami move in for the kill.

"Seven days," Sirius whispered, impaling Draco like a vampire devouring his prey.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Draco, Draco, are you alright? Draco..."

Draco abruptly opened his eyes. A newly awakened Harry was lying next to him, shaking Draco's milky white forearm.

Draco's silver eyes nervously darted around the room. He and Harry were lying in his twinsize bed in the Slytherin dungeon and, this morning, the dungeon was unnervingly dark. It was only 9 AM and already Draco was terrified. Harry wrapped his arms around Draco and tried to suppress his involuntary shaking.

"It's alright. I'm here," Harry whispered.

Draco relaxed momentarily, until his eyes rested on a piece of crumpled parchment lying on the floor. He grasped the paper and lifted it to his eye level. The letter read:

"SEVEN DAYS!"

----------------------

A half hour later, Harry and Draco were up, dressed and ready to leave. They had to get to the Department of Mysteries in London before sundown, but neither knew exactly how they would get there. Neither Harry nor Draco had the skills to Apparate, and Harry's Firebolt had been confiscated as punishment for the little skirmish involving Harry, Cho and a can of mace. Draco wanted to fly to London on his Nimbus 2001, but unfortunately it was too slow to get them there in time. Harry suggested that they fly on the back of a Thestral, but Draco was adamant about not flying on an invisible beast.

So the only other option available was a Portkey, but neither of them could create one. Harry suggested asking a professor for help, but, unfortunately, Lupin was still a werewolf, Albus had conveniently disappeared and Snape would only agree to create one if Draco bottomed for him first.

"Umm, Harry, have you ever thought of asking _me_ for help?" Hermione asked, stealthily approaching the two blokes on the Hogwarts grounds.

"Hermione, what're you doing here? This is a H/D slash fanfic. Aren't you supposed to be professing your undying love for Ron right about now?"

"Erm... no. Unlike you, I still have standards, Harry."

"HOW DARE YOU!" Draco screeched, drawing his wand.

Hermione flashed a wicked grin as Harry wrestled the wand out of Draco's hand.

"Stop it, Draco. She's gonna help us."

"I don't care."

"Stop whining."

"I'm not whining," Draco whined.

"Let GO of your wand!"

"No."

"Now you're pouting."

"I'm not pouting," Draco pouted.

"I said let go."

"No."

There was an awkward silence as Harry stood up, clutching Draco's wand, only to discover that Hermione was already gone.

"Hermione? Hermione?" Harry called out. He turned to Draco. "I think we scared her off."

"Bloody straight people," Draco smirked.

----------------------

Harry dragged Draco along the edge of the forest and conveniently found a pack of Thestrals hovering near Hagrid's Hut. Harry climbed on a Thestral and tried to pull Draco up onto it.

"Absolutely not," Draco stated.

"Draco, it's our only choice. Do you want to get there or not?"

"I refuse to ride on a bloody beast that I can't even see!"

"Hermione did."

"I don't care... she did?"

"Uh huh."

"Oh... well then... as I was saying... onward ye invisible horsey! Fly! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

----------------------

Harry and Draco arrived at the Ministry of Magic an hour before sunset. Harry jumped off of the Thestral and then extended his arm to help Draco climb off of it.

"No."

"No?"

"I'm not getting off, Harry."

"Why not?"

"I'm sore."

"Sore?"

"From last night."

"What does that have to do with getting off of the Thestral?"

"Do you know how bumpy that ride was? My arse is paralysed. I can't move."

"All right, then you can ride the Thestral back to Hogwarts. Look, it's about to leave right now."

"Oh, hell no. GERONIMO!"

"Um, Draco. That was not even a four foot drop. Isn't 'Geronimo' reserved for a drop of at least thirty feet?"

"Not when you're sore."

"But I caught you?"

"I don't care."

"Bloody ferret."

"What did you just call me?"

"Nothing..."

----------------------

Less than a half hour before sunset, Harry and Draco had broken into the Ministry of Magic, and, following Harry's shrewd memory, made their way stealthily to the Department of Mysteries.

As Draco entered the room, his jaw dropped. On one side was a shelf of crystal orbs with names written on them. On the other was a big screen TV. Shuddering, Draco reached onto the shelf of orbs and picked one up that said "D. Malfoy." He angrily chucked the orb at the big screen TV. The orb bounced off of a reflective shield protecting the television and shattered on the floor inches before him.

Suddenly, a mist rose up from the floor and formed the following words:

"You will be shagged senseless in twenty minutes."

The mist evaporated as Draco and Harry stared at each other nervously. Before Draco could respond, Harry dragged him through a series of rooms, finally ending up before the ancient archway where he had seen his Godfather fall through the veil. There was a big screen TV in the room with the tattered veil.

"Now what?" Draco asked nervously.

"Um... I guess we have to climb through the veil in order to collect Sirius' bones and bury him in a holy shrine so that he doesn't climb out of the TV and shag you senseless."

"Harry, it's almost dark. It's too late for me. You should go before he takes you, too."

Suddenly the TV turned on and recorded static filled the screen. Draco leapt into Harry's arms. Harry tumbled backwards, dropped Draco, and fell into the ragged veil.

----------------------

"Draco?"

"Do I look like Draco?"

"Oh my god, Sirius? You're back. I mean... did I die, too?"

"No, this is just the cheesy revelation portion of this fanfic, so I am speaking to you in your dream after you whacked your head hard on the ancient arch."

"Oh... so I'm not dead?"

"No."

"And you didn't shag Draco yet?"

"No."

"Why not? I mean... that great. Er..."

A mischievous grin spread along Sirius' lips as he reached down and sipped a cup of Chamomile tea. He was not the thirty-six-year old that Harry had once idolized. Instead, he was immortalized as a well endowed teenager with devastating long brown hair and a gigantic bulge.

"Sirius, I don't understand. Why have you emblazoned your soul into a video so that unsuspecting virgins might watch it and then face your terrible wrath in seven days time?"

"Well, I wouldn't phrase it like that, Harry. I'm doing them a service, really. And it is about time I got some action, too. I spent TWELVE YEARS rotting in Azkaban, barely surviving on my right hand and, when I finally escaped from that dreadful place, that bitch author sends me into hiding as a fucking flea infested dog and then kills me off before I had a chance to make up for lost time!"

"I see..."

"So naturally my perfect revenge would be to return as a ghost and deflower her innocent unsuspecting virginal students after they watch my video and wait for seven days."

"But why seven days?"

"Harry, haven't you figured it out yet?"

"No... I mean yes. I think so. When I saw you knocked into that horrific veil, I thought you had died. But really you were lying there unconscious... starving below that archway... rotting for seven excruciatingly long days... paralysed by your inability to pull yourself back to the land of the living. I'm so sorry, Sirius. Remus told me that you were already dead. I would have gone in after you had I known..."

"Umm, no, Harry. You've got it all wrong. Seven days refers to the home video. Remember that video, Harry?"

"The one with you boning my Mum? How could I forget?"

"Yep. That was the best sexual experience I've ever had. I mean... she was incredible!"

Harry turned green. "Would you please get on with the story?"

"Anyway, Remus, Lily and I originally planned our 'party' on a Tuesday before Beltane. And I was really excited because I had never boned Lily and Remus without James joining in before. So there I was, on that fateful Tuesday afternoon, with a boner the size of The Isle of Man and a set of coconuts to match when suddenly I received an owl. Do you know what it said?"

"I'm afraid to ask."

"Your mother cancelled the party because she was on the rag! The nerve! And so she and Remus left me... alone... abandoned... and horny as hell for SEVEN DAYS before I finally got to blow my wad!"

"I think I am going to curl up and die now."

"Oh Harry, lighten up. The video is a wonderful thing. Look, just last week you were an insufferable, whiny, closet case and now, because of my meddling, you got your ferret... I mean, the Malfoy heir."

"So you planned this all along? You made sure Draco watched the tape so that he would come to me and I would have to shag him, fearing that your ghost would do it first."

"No. But someone else might have..."

"Who?"

"Harry, who do you think had the power to create this video after my death, to place it in the Shrieking Shack knowing full well it was the Slytherin lovenest and then to poison Remus' Wolfsbane potion so that he couldn't help you solve this mystery in time?"

"Professor Snape... but why would he do that?"

Sirius winked at his Godson.

"It is time for me to leave you, Harry."

"Wait, you never told me why I didn't get an owl after I watched the video, or how you managed to shag my Mum and Remus at the same time on the videotape."

"Harry, James would have killed me again if I had sent you an owl, and after waiting seven days to bone Lily and Moony, I was bloody horny!"

"But what about the veil? Why was it removed from the arch in your video?"

"Oh, that ragged thing? Would you want it hanging in your home video?"

"Sirius... Sirius... wait..."

There was an awkward silence as Harry felt his whole torso being shaken vigorously.

"Harry... wake up. It's after sundown. It's after sundown and I didn't get shagged. The prophecy was wrong!"

"Huh... what prophecy?"

"The prophecy in the entryway of the Department of Mysteries. It said I was going to get shagged senseless in twenty minutes. But it was wrong. That depraved murderer never came for me. My mangled arse has been spared!"

"Don't be so sure..."

"Why not?" Draco asked, suddenly nervous.

"I'm still here," Harry cooed, stealthily unbuttoning his trousers.

"You beast."

"Hee hee hee..."

**End of Chapter 10**

**Author's Note:** Stay tuned as the _Seven Days_ saga ends in Chapter 11.

**Please Review!**


	11. 

**Seven Days - Chapter 11**

September 23, 1996. Tuesday.

_Day 8_

Severus Snape lounged on top of his black satin duvet in his bedroom in the Slytherin Dungeon. He felt uncharacteristically giddy and nervous at the same time. His eyes swept across the candlelit room, resting first on a television, and then on his antique English dresser. Slowly, Severus rose from the bed and stepped softly over to the chest of drawers, ultimately resting his long thin fingers on a letter that was kept in pristine condition.

It read: "You will be deflowered in seven days!"

Suddenly, Severus heard footsteps outside of his room. He rubbed his greasy palms with anticipation as the bedroom door swung open, revealing Pansy Parkinson. Pansy was levitating a TV, VCR and a few x-rated videos. Severus' face fell.

"Miss Parkinson, what the hell are you doing here? Can't you see that I'm... occupied?"

"Professor, it's time I returned these things to you," Pansy said, marching into the room.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Severus lied. "But put those videos over on the dresser. They're quite entertaining tapes... I mean... were I to have watched them I might have found them entertaining... er... but _I_ would never watch such filthy trash... so I'll just have to destroy them... after you leave, that is."

"You must be mistaken, Professor," Pansy stated.

"Excuse me, Miss Parkinson?" Severus replied, his voice low and dangerous.

"It is actually time for _you_ to leave," Pansy cooed, pointing her wand at Severus. "After all, _he_ is coming. That's why I brought you these videos. They are, as you said, _entertaining_."

"One hundred points from Slytherin!" Severus cried.

Pansy snickered. "I'm sorry, dear Professor, but you can't deduct House Points from Slytherin for _my_ behavior. You're the one that had me declared insane, remember? And insane students have immunity from punishment under the Hogwarts Bylaws."

"You manipulative bitch!" Severus screeched.

Pansy aimed her wand at Severus' heart. "Why thank you, Professor. I learned from the best. Now get out... unless, of course, you want to watch."

"Expelliarmus!" Professor Lupin cried, pointing his wand at Pansy as he sauntered into the room. Pansy's wand flew out of her hand and Remus caught it.

"Give me back my wand, you fiend!" Pansy shrieked, lunging at Remus.

"I'll give you a wand, bitch," Severus cried. "PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!"

"Oh fuck."

Pansy tumbled onto the floor. Severus picked her up and dragged her paralyzed body over to his walk-in closet. He slammed the door and then uttered fifteen locking charms and a silencing spell.

Suddenly, the television turned on and recorded static filled the screen. Severus turned to Remus, who watched with amusement.

"I didn't realize you planned to kidnap her, Sevvy," Remus smirked. "Dear me, does that make _me_ an accomplice?"

"Wolfie, will you please leave?"

"But Severus, don't you want to thank me? After all, I saaaaaaaaved you so that darling Padfoot can have you first..."

"Leave now!"

"Not in your life. You know, Sevvy, I offered to do it for you many times."

"I SAID LEAVE!"

"But no, you had to wait for Sirius to be resurrected so that he can impale you with his signature fourteen inch chimichanga. It's time to get over your childhood crush, Severus. Padfoot is dead. And yet you consistently thwart my advances, as if you were afraid that I'd impregnate you with werepuppies!"

Severus pointed his wand at Remus. "WOLFIE, I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE!"

"All right, so I got a bit carried away. Be reasonable, Sevvy. Can't you see how much it hurts to be rejected by..."

"STUPEFY!"

"I guess not."

Remus slumped to the floor, unconscious. Severus dragged him over to the locked closet.

Suddenly, the recorded static on the television ended and an image of the magnificent arch appeared. Severus swallowed hard, before uttering fifteen unlocking charms and an antisilencing spell. He opened the closet door, tossed Remus in with Pansy and then locked it again.

When Severus turned towards the television, he saw an image of Sirius climbing up through the arch.

"Severus, I'm back from my meeting with the Minister. Would you mind if I dropped in for a quick chat?" Albus said, pushing open Severus' bedroom door.

"I'M BUSY!" Severus screeched.

"Temper, temper, Severus. It will only take a moment," Albus replied.

Suddenly, there was a loud banging sound emanating from inside the closet.

"Severus, what in the name of Merlin are you keeping in your..."

"INCENDIO!"

"Oh dear," Albus replied, as Severus' blast set his beard on fire and knocked him outside of the room.

"COLLOPORTUS!" Severus cried, as the door slammed shut and sealed itself. "And... er... SORRY!"

Suddenly, Severus felt a presence behind him. He turned towards the television. Sirius was still on the television screen, but now he was crawling towards Severus. Sirius' hands suddenly reached out of the television and flopped down onto the bedroom floor.

Severus leapt backwards, tumbling onto his bed before he nervously composed himself. He quickly brushed his hand over his greasy hair to tidy it up for the occasion.

"Hello, Siri... I mean... er... nice to see you... again."

Sirius crawled out of the television into Severus' room. He stood up, exposing his finely sculpted youthful body and his enlarged fourteen inch dong. He strutted towards Severus purposefully. Severus leaned back until he was clutching the sides of his mattress. Sirius climbed on top of him.

Suddenly, the closet door swung open.

"PADFOOT!" Remus cried joyfully.

Pansy, still petrified, battered her eyelashes at Sirius, before giving him a 'release me from this spell and I'll gladly kick Snape out of his bed and let you shag me first' look.

"MOONY!" Sirius replied, ignoring Pansy's desperate plea. "What are you doing in the closet? Maybe I shouldn't ask..."

"Don't," Remus replied, dusting himself off with one of Severus' black robes. "So how's Prongs?"

"He's fine," Sirius replied.

"Ahem," Severus muttered.

"And Lily?" Remus added, ignoring Severus.

"She just got off her haunting duties. She's also doing quite well."

"Umm... excuse me," Severus muttered again. "Aren't we supposed to have sex?"

Sirius ignored him. "So how's _your_ love life, Moony?"

"Oh, you know..."

Severus rolled his eyes and tried to shove Sirius off of him.

"Then there is someone?" Sirius said.

"Perhaps."

"EXCUSE ME," Severus barked. Sirius shoved his hand over Severus' mouth.

"Albus?" Sirius asked.

"Of course not!"

"MMMMMMM!" Severus whined, his voice stifled by Sirius' hand.

"Then who?"

"Well, his name is..."

Severus ripped off Sirius' hand from his mouth and drew his wand. "COLLOPORTUS!" Severus cried. The closet door slammed shut.

Sirius glared at Severus. "Cranky, cranky, Snivellus. And I thought you invited Moony here to watch?"

"WHAT?" Severus gasped.

Sirius grabbed Severus' wand and uttered an unlocking spell. The closet door swung open again. Remus stepped out of the closet and closed the door, locking the petrified Pansy inside.

"Oh no..." Severus moaned.

"What's wrong, Snivelly?" Sirius asked. "Don't you want Moony to see you fancy underpants?"

Severus froze as Sirius ripped off his trousers, exposing his brown silk undergarments. "I should have resurrected the _older_, more _mature_ Sirius Black," he finally muttered to himself.

"What's that, Sniv? You're not ready to show us your pretty pink arse?"

Sirius ripped off Severus' undergarments, exposing his bare assets.

"That's not fair," Severus whined. "You're supposed to be romantic!"

"Romantic?" Sirius snickered. "You hear that, Moony, Snivellus wants _me_ to be roooomaaaantic." Sirius' eyes flashed devilishly. "Brace yourself, Sniv, cause here comes a whole lot of romance!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

---------------------

Harry and Draco were having a leisurely afternoon in the Slytherin Dungeon when they heard a commotion outside of the main Dungeon stairwell. Draco rose, intrigued, and walked to the doorway to take a look outside. He suddenly tensed up.

"I'll be right back."

Fifteen minutes later, Draco returned. He was ghost pale.

"Harry."

"Yeah? Where were you?"

"Umm... you have to see this."

Harry walked over to the door and looked outside. Albus, Remus and Poppy had levitated Severus' comatose body out of his bedroom, and were now floating the Potions Master past Draco's dorm. Harry gasped. Severus was foaming at the mouth, and there was a large bandage over his freshly buggered arse.

"You mean..." Harry replied, stunned.

"It happened this morning."

"But I thought..."

Draco shook his head. "He's back."

"But this doesn't make sense, Draco. Why would my Godfather shag Snape?"

"Professor Snape borrowed the video from me seven days ago. He must have watched it."

"But I thought the video only applies to virgins."

"It does."

"Then Professor Snape was a..."

"Virgin," Draco added.

Harry giggled, but then paused midgiggle. "Of course. Now it all makes sense. Sirius told me that Snape had created the video and placed it in the Shrieking Shack. It must have all been part of Snape's grand plan to get deflowered."

"That's ridiculous," Draco said. "If Snape wanted to be deflowered, he would have watched the video, not hid it in the Shrieking Shack so that some unsuspecting Slytherin virgin might watch it first."

"But Draco, that's exactly what Snape wanted. Do you think he would have watched the video without first testing it out on his own Slytherin guinea pigs?"

"DID YOU JUST CALL ME A SLYTHERIN GUINEA PIG?"

"Well, not _just_ you..."

"You're not getting any for a week!"

"Draco, stop whining. There are more important matters at stake. And I'm getting some tonight."

"Absolutely not!"

"Fine. Then I guess I won't worry about why Sirius hasn't plugged you... yet."

"WHAT?"

"Nothing. I've gotta go. I have some holiday knitting to do."

"HARRY POTTER!"

"Yes."

"COME BACK HERE!"

"But Draco, I'm not getting any, remember. So I have many more riveting things to do, like alphabetizing my potions cabinet."

"You don't have a potions cabinet."

"I'll build one..." Harry smirked devilishly at Draco. Draco sent him an icy glare.

"Harry, you don't really think he'll come after me, do you?" Draco asked, suddenly nervous.

"No. It's already been eight days..."

"But then, why did your Godfather deflower Snape and not me?"

"Well, you weren't exactly a virgin on the seventh day," Harry replied, smacking his lips.

"But neither was Blaise, and he still got pounded," Draco replied, confused.

"Then I... don't know," Harry said.

Draco's eyes darted around the room, finally resting on the black videotape. It was labeled "copy." Draco's eyes widened, horrified.

"Wait... I figured it out," he continued. "I... made a copy... and I showed the original to Professor Snape."

"And..."

"Don't you see, Harry? It's a ring. A self-perpetuating circle. If everyone who watches the video has to copy it and show it to some other virgin in order to break the curse, then Sirius' wrath will go on indefinitely. Oh my God, it's a ring! A bloody ring! We're all going to be deflowered by a homicidal maniac with a fourteen inch cock!"

"Um... Draco, while that is a riveting novel theory, this fic is not entitled "The Ring," and there are no rings anywhere in it. The only relevant quasicircular object is the arch, and that has both a beginning and an end."

"Oh... I never thought of that. So how do you think I broke the curse?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Harry replied, playfully. "You had sex with me."

"And you said I was arrogant."

"I'm being serious, Draco. My Godfather was obsessed with having sex. So the only reason that he'd forfeit an easy bang like you is if I got to you first."

"Did you just refer to me as an easy bang?"

"Draco, don't you see... my Godfather wanted to help me get lucky. That's why he didn't take you dry."

"Harry, if you refer to me as easy one more time, you're not getting any for a month!"

"That's fine, Mr. Easy Bang, I'll just have sex with all of the other virginal students who accidentally watch the video."

"WHAT?"

"Well, how could I not help innocent virginal students in need? I'm the Poof Who Lived. The Pink Protector of the Wizarding World."

"YOU WOULDN'T DARE!"

"Of course I wouldn't... so long as you lift that one month ban."

"It's gone," Draco grumbled.

"Good."

There was an awkward silence.

"Umm Harry, do you _really_ believe that Sirius spared me only because you shagged me first?"

"Yes."

"But does that _really_ mean that every virgin who watches the video will have to shag you, too, in order to break the curse?"

"Yes."

"I'LL KILL THEM!"

"Draco, stop panicking."

"I'M NOT PANICKING!"

"Don't worry..."

"I'M NOT WORRIED!"

"Good. Because you're my one true shag."

"How flattering. But what about the video, Harry? What are we going to do about that damn video?"

"The video has done enough damage. There's only one way to ensure that no more innocent virginal Hogwarts students watch it. We'll have to destroy it."

Harry drew his wand and pointed it at the black videotape. "Incendio!" he cried. Harry grinned triumphantly as the tape burst into flames.

"But Harry," Draco said. "What about the other copy?"

"Other... copy?"

"The one that I gave to Professor Snape. I already looked for it in his bedroom and office. It's gone."

"OH FUCK!"

_**The End**_

**Author's Note:** Thank you all for the incredible support in writing this story. I am already planning the sequel, _Seven More Days._

I would also like to thank Daylyn for her extensive contributions and support in writing this parody, and McTabby for inspiring me to add a werepuppy MPREG reference to this fic.

**Please review!**

**P.S. **– If you would like to receive updates on the forthcoming sequel, please add me to your author alerts.


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